6

it kinda hurts to realise i can't spread my wings.

not because there's any cage holding me in, but rather 'cause my soul burns with a passion so intense that it melds into pain.

there's a sense of desire, a longing that stares into the void of change. it's so dissonant with my own essence.

i don't understand why do i feel a prisoner to my own mind.

i was so sure that transitioning, finding a name and seeking purpose would help in feeling more at home with my own soul.

i don't understand why do i feel a prisoner to my own mind.

and this thought keeps following me, slowly. stalking me from the distance. it's not chasing me, but rather patiently hunting me, keeping enough distance to feel its presence, yet too far to be understandable.

i guess the way to put it is that it feels like i'm.. existing wrong.

as if there was some minor-- maybe small-- concept about living that i'm doing wrong

and i cannot tell what. i have a job. i have love. i, for now, have health to live with.
right now it feels like i'm walking on the edge of a chasm. as if i was shovelling care and effort into... a pit?

and this is not to say that i feel like taking care is useless, or that i'm not doing the right thing by taking care of myself, or implying that my effort is going into a bottom-less pit.

it just.. feels like i'm trying to help myself by putting effort into the wrong thing..

and as i write this.. i feel it. a cold wash of.. fear..?

a sense of.. feeling lost and scared.
i don't know how to navigate this. i don't know how to mend my soul or stoke my sense of self without suffocating.

i feel quite lonely. i know i'm not the only or first one to feel this way. but i also feel like i have nothing to go off of.
just my own thoughts, intuition and fear.